Recently whilst going through some paperwork I came across most of the remains of the mess that was my marriage. The Decree Nisi and everything was there but strangely the Decree Absolute was not. Of course I was taken back to what my marriage represents and it’s effect on me as a whole.
I met my ex-wife in 2007. She’d had an accident and quite quickly things became serious. I met her family, she met mine. She had a son from a previous relationship and we got on fairly well. Her family were very religious though and soon I began getting mounting pressure from them culminating in hurried plans to get married in May 2008. I felt pressured, I wasn’t sure – but I wasn’t strong enough to say I wasn’t ready.
Married life was OK with to start. We saw a lot of her family, not so much of mine. I’d moved to Wales to live with her and whilst she made every effort to make sure we saw her family I saw less and less of mine. I started to regret the marriage quite quickly and when our daughter came along, again due mostly to pressure from her family to conceive I felt even worse. But we were married and I felt duty bound to try my best to stay together, if only for the child’s sake.
I noticed that soon I was just existing, just being there. I wasn’t happy, I felt like I had ruined my own life. My wife was constantly nagging, constantly moaning not only about me but about anything. I began to spiral downwards further and further – yes I was depressed. And of course the arguments began to start. I was constantly reminded by her family that I was going to hell, they were constantly moaning at me and whinging. I began to wish I’d never got married.
We argued a lot. Things got heated. I left – but missed my daughter too much. I came back and things were even worse. We split in April 2012 and I’ve not seen my daughter since that date.
I don’t do regrets normally but I can firmly say I regret ever meeting my ex-wife. 10 years after we met I finally started to get myself back – that’s how much she had taken out of my spirit and my will to live and enjoy life. 10 years of pain and regret is hard to get rid off. I can now say that finally I’m feeling back like I did on that fateful day in 2007 when my life took a turn for the worst. I can finally write down these feelings and feel that I’m a better person now than I have been since she made me feel so worthless. I can also say that I now also feel as good health wise as I did in 2007 – so again, that’s 10 years of me feeling ill that women caused. That is the most damning thing I can say about her – I feel I’ve wasted almost a whole decade of my life in many ways because of her.